NUTTY ROMANS

 

Were any Roman emperors just straight, normal guys?

I love the question.

Ya there were a couple.

Vespasian was an interesting case. He cultivated this public image of being a semi-divine miracle worker but behind the scenes, he was a regular guy. He loved to tell rude jokes and was famously self-deprecating. A bit of a scandal erupted when it was discovered that he removed his own boots at night instead of having a slave do it. Vespasian was a hardened field general who famously (or infamously) put down the Jewish revolt. He maintained the hardened gruff lifestyle into his Imperial reign.

Another case would be Claudius who was said to be the only “entirely right” emperor when it came to his choice of bed companion. He was not quite as down to earth as Vespasian yet wasn’t the hedonistic type either. He was a logical and intellectual emperor who always had this chip on his shoulder. He was of good noble stock- being related to Augustus, Tiberius, and Caligula but he was passed over due to his flaws. He stuttered and seemed dull-witted and slow and this would not do for an Augustus. The family sent him away to become a scholar and he took to it with vigor, becoming something of a renowned intellectual. When Caligula was killing everyone who could threaten his position he left Claudius alone because there was no way this dull-witted idiot could rival the young Caligula. Well, when Caligula died the only blood relative left was Claudius and he became emperor. Famously after the Praetorian guard killed Caligula they found Claudius hiding behind a window blind, terrified and thinking the assassins were coming for him. He emerged from his hiding place expecting to be killed on the spot and instead he was hailed as Princeps and given the throne. Funny enough though, his family was wrong about him. Claudius was far from stupid- he was actually brilliant and may have played up the whole idiot routine to keep himself from being killed. While in power he had to continuously prove himself as the perception of him being dull or weak persisted in the public imagination. He would take a wife and did indeed love her a great deal. His wife, Agrippa the Younger, was a bit of a monster. She basically killed Claudius’s children from a previous marriage and got him to make her son from a previous marriage the heir apparent. Once done she would kill her Claudius and watch her 16-year-old son, Nero, ascend to the throne. Karma would circle back for Agrippa though and her plan of ruling through her son did not at all work. Shocker- 16-year-olds do not like to listen to their mothers. Besides this family drama, Claudius was a capable and even gifted Roman emperor who ranks among the best Rome had to offer.

Then we have Marcus Aurelius. I am not sure what his exact sexual preferences were early in his life but later in his life he took a wife, had many babies, and appeared to be loyal to her until her death. In fact, through his own journals, we see the image of a man who deeply loved his wife and she deeply loved him. He was a stoic type- seeing his job as emperor as a duty and responsibility. He is perhaps one of the most normals emperors. Far from a hedonist he never drank himself stupid, partied all night, or hired prostitutes. He committed his entire life to his reign and was always 100% focused on that. He ate simple foods, wore simple clothes, lived in the camps with the army, and treated everyone fairly. He spent nearly his entire reign fighting off Parthians and Germans which made for a pretty crappy time but despite the hardship, he approached each day with a level vigor and dedication rarely seen in all of history.

Last I will cover Alexander Severus. This kid took the throne at 13 from the assassinated Elagabalus. Elagabalus was 14 when he came to power and was bonkers insane. In fact, all of the recent emperors had been terrible and the worst of them were very young. Caligula, Nero, Commodus, Elagabalus, and Caracalla were all older teens when they took the throne and this trend of evil emperors usually being teens was obvious to everyone. Alexander's mother realized this and decided her son was not going to grow up to become a monster. She did what good mothers do and kept her son from the excesses that ruined so many others. She forced him to work hard and dedicate himself to his job. Every day he had to appear before the people as the judge for legal disputes. After years of this he became a skilled, impartial, and a rather brilliant judge who all respected as fair.  By all accounts, he was a fair down to earth young man. He fell in love early but his mother felt threatened and his love interested quickly disappeared. Alexander's main flaw was that he could never stand up to his mother. While her guidance and rearing of young Alexander is to be praised it should be mentioned that she did this for selfish reasons. She wanted power herself and she knew if Alexander became another sex-crazed teenage emperor he would be booted from power quickly.  Alexander's mother was power-hungry and greedy and this eventually leads to the assassination of Alexander and his mother after a long and stable reign.